Guilt

guilt

  [gilt]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation,or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: Headmitted his guilt.

2.

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime,wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

3.

conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: tolive a life of guilt.

This whole week I have been looking forward to Friday because I was going to be able to go to the bike store to look at bikes. When I would talk about it with Danielle...I felt guilty. 

As most of you know, I'm really focusing on getting into a healthy lifestyle, and one goal to get me there is to train and complete the BRAN. This week I also had the opportunity to go ride with the band director at Burke. After meetings on Wednesday, we left from Burke, found a trail...and went on our way. As we finished up....I shot Danielle a text to let her know we were finishing up, and it was about 5:30. Jonathan had swimming lessons at 6. Again, I felt a sense of guilt because not only did I miss time with my family, I was going to miss going to Jonathan's swimming lessons, and make Danielle do it all on her own. Guilt.

A few weeks ago, I decided to create a fundraiser on GoFundMe to help raise funds to offset the purchase of a road bike, training for BRAN, and cost of BRAN. The fundraiser was also going to provide donations to a mentoring project because I was just reminded lately that my father (and his father) passed away at the age of 44. That age lays heavy on me. But when I made the fundraising public to ask people for financial help, I had a weird knot in my stomach. Guilt.

So tonight, I waited for Danielle to get home from an appointment so I could head off to the Bike Rack here in Omaha. I had been doing A LOT of research on bike options via the internet, and also talking with a friend of mine who lives in Ogallala. Through conversation with Jim and reading articles, I narrowed down the bike options to a few bikes. So today, I went and test rode both of them. I had in the back of my mind that if one felt right, I would buy it...and that didn't sit the best anyway. Long story short...there was a great fit and I pulled the trigger on buying the road bike that I will train with and complete BRAN on. You would think I would feel excitement...which I did. But also...GUILT.

As I drove home, I wasn't sure how to discuss the cost of the bike with Danielle...GUILT. 

But here is the thing. It wasn't frivolous. It wasn't a purchase that wasn't thought about, stressed about, prayed about...it was a purchase that everybody who really knows me is expecting. This purchase wasn't a "I want this cool road bike so I'm going to buy it." This purchase was a "I made a public commitment to better myself and this is a step in the right direction." I shouldn't feel guilty. Was the money there in the fundraising...NO. Will it ever be there...I don't know. What I do need to learn is that a decision to become healthier should never carry a weight of guilt if I'm going to find success. 

What I do know is that one goal of mine through the fundraiser was to learn to lean on God as my sustainer and compass. I feel that if my decisions are made with that focus in mind...I shouldn't CARE what others think about my choice. God has set it on my heart that things need to change. I need to change. My ability to lead a healthy life and be a role model in that area needs to change. Part of that change will come through my passion of biking.

So am I still guilty...NO. Philippians 3:14 says 

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

And this needs to be my focus...a goal oriented drive that doesn't get sidetracked by earthly concerns. Now please understand, this doesn't give me free reign to be irresponsible with the gifts HE has given us. I take that responsibility very seriously.

So, off I go to break the new bike in. I'm excited to take it out tomorrow on it's first long ride. I'm excited to set a new PR with distance and speed, and to continually push myself to travel faster, more often, and farther. For those reading...thank you for the support. I truly appreciate it and can't do this without you...especially my wonderful wife. She is supportive to the end and I have been blessed with a Godly partner who wants me to be better! Please check back to here about the other successes, struggles, and milestones I hit through this journey!