Cannondale CAAD 10

So it has been 4 days since I made a purchase on the new road bike. Since purchasing the bike, I have been out EVERY day! Saturday I gave it an inaugural spin with a colleague of mine, and we took it out for a little over 22 miles. It was a blast! It felt comfortable, and was so much more efficient than the bike ride.
I was on a riders high, so naturally I wanted to go out on Sunday and hit 25 miles. Unfortunately, mother nature wasn't too keen on that idea. I was so motivated I woke up early to hit the road before church, but after getting in about 5 miles, we started to pick up some rain. Nick was wearing glasses and claims he "couldn't see." So although I only logged 12 miles Sunday, my intentions were there :)
Today I decided I wanted to see what would happen if I pushed myself. I didn't want to ride more than an hour, because my legs and rear were pretty sore from the past 2 days. I couldn't have asked for better weather...or so I thought. For the first half of the ride, I was trucking along and was clocking in at around 18.3 mph. Then I hit the turn around at 7.5 miles. I swear, the wind was NOT there for the first half of the ride. When all was said and done, I finished with an average speed of 15.8 mph. Although it was a bit disappointed to see 18 half of the time, it was definitely a PR for speed.
I'm excited to get out on the roads on a nice calm day and check to see where my endurance is at! We are still working the fundraising project, and are sitting at $800, with a goal of $2000. The project started EXTREMELY strong and now has slowed down. I knew this would happen, but am now brainstorming ideas on how to increase traffic and interest. Please ask me about the journey, training, etc. It helps me stay active and also refine my focus on a healthy future. Thanks a bunch and have a great night!

Guilt

guilt

  [gilt]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation,or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: Headmitted his guilt.

2.

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime,wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

3.

conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: tolive a life of guilt.

This whole week I have been looking forward to Friday because I was going to be able to go to the bike store to look at bikes. When I would talk about it with Danielle...I felt guilty. 

As most of you know, I'm really focusing on getting into a healthy lifestyle, and one goal to get me there is to train and complete the BRAN. This week I also had the opportunity to go ride with the band director at Burke. After meetings on Wednesday, we left from Burke, found a trail...and went on our way. As we finished up....I shot Danielle a text to let her know we were finishing up, and it was about 5:30. Jonathan had swimming lessons at 6. Again, I felt a sense of guilt because not only did I miss time with my family, I was going to miss going to Jonathan's swimming lessons, and make Danielle do it all on her own. Guilt.

A few weeks ago, I decided to create a fundraiser on GoFundMe to help raise funds to offset the purchase of a road bike, training for BRAN, and cost of BRAN. The fundraiser was also going to provide donations to a mentoring project because I was just reminded lately that my father (and his father) passed away at the age of 44. That age lays heavy on me. But when I made the fundraising public to ask people for financial help, I had a weird knot in my stomach. Guilt.

So tonight, I waited for Danielle to get home from an appointment so I could head off to the Bike Rack here in Omaha. I had been doing A LOT of research on bike options via the internet, and also talking with a friend of mine who lives in Ogallala. Through conversation with Jim and reading articles, I narrowed down the bike options to a few bikes. So today, I went and test rode both of them. I had in the back of my mind that if one felt right, I would buy it...and that didn't sit the best anyway. Long story short...there was a great fit and I pulled the trigger on buying the road bike that I will train with and complete BRAN on. You would think I would feel excitement...which I did. But also...GUILT.

As I drove home, I wasn't sure how to discuss the cost of the bike with Danielle...GUILT. 

But here is the thing. It wasn't frivolous. It wasn't a purchase that wasn't thought about, stressed about, prayed about...it was a purchase that everybody who really knows me is expecting. This purchase wasn't a "I want this cool road bike so I'm going to buy it." This purchase was a "I made a public commitment to better myself and this is a step in the right direction." I shouldn't feel guilty. Was the money there in the fundraising...NO. Will it ever be there...I don't know. What I do need to learn is that a decision to become healthier should never carry a weight of guilt if I'm going to find success. 

What I do know is that one goal of mine through the fundraiser was to learn to lean on God as my sustainer and compass. I feel that if my decisions are made with that focus in mind...I shouldn't CARE what others think about my choice. God has set it on my heart that things need to change. I need to change. My ability to lead a healthy life and be a role model in that area needs to change. Part of that change will come through my passion of biking.

So am I still guilty...NO. Philippians 3:14 says 

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

And this needs to be my focus...a goal oriented drive that doesn't get sidetracked by earthly concerns. Now please understand, this doesn't give me free reign to be irresponsible with the gifts HE has given us. I take that responsibility very seriously.

So, off I go to break the new bike in. I'm excited to take it out tomorrow on it's first long ride. I'm excited to set a new PR with distance and speed, and to continually push myself to travel faster, more often, and farther. For those reading...thank you for the support. I truly appreciate it and can't do this without you...especially my wonderful wife. She is supportive to the end and I have been blessed with a Godly partner who wants me to be better! Please check back to here about the other successes, struggles, and milestones I hit through this journey!

Dad's Journal

A couple days ago, Danielle had the opportunity to go to a concert with a few of her colleagues. One of her colleagues said that I would be writing about this experience that I'm going through. Weight loss, fatherhood, working through childhood, etc. My first response was to laugh, because I am by no means a writer. Nobody wants to know what I think. Nobody wants to know what I'm going through. Who cares what my struggles are? That is for me to figure out.

Then I remembered a file that my sister gave us a few years back. It was a compilation of some journaling that my dad had written through his journey as well. I'm sure when he sat down to write his first entry at the age of 25 (or looking back on his age of 25), he didn't think anybody would value his writings. Man was he anything but wrong. I pulled out the journal today and intend to REALLY read it. To digest it. To contemplate it. To question it. Is this something that Jonathan will be looking back on down the road? No. My goal is to word vomit my thoughts through this blog. Will it be pretty? No. Will it matter to you? Probably not. Will it help me through the process of bettering my life? That is the goal.

Before finishing up, I wanted to include some excerpts from my dad's journal, which I will also do through my personal journaling. Sometimes there will be backstory, sometimes not. This excerpt seemed to be when my dad was at his lowest during his journey of heart problems.

"My world went into a tailspin again. My offered hopes seemed to be like a rug that had been jerked out from underneath my feet. My faith was being tested to the limits at this time. I could not understand why God would allow me to bear such pain. I prayed often for an answer to WHY, but could never get an answer. I pared that Go would take me home with Him. Why? Why? Why would God allow this to keep happening? He said he would never give us more than we can carry, but at this time I found it very difficult to believe that...Then I read Psalm 23 constantly. I realized now the Lord's master plan for me was in the workings. He was completely in control of it, although as humans we still try to control things. How foolish can we be?"

For a reference, here is Psalm 23:

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.