What Father Means...

April 5th, 2013.

To many people, today is just another day. To some, today is a day to celebrate birthdays. For others it may be a wedding anniversary. For 3 children and one mother....it is a day to look back and remember a great man. A father. A husband. A brother. A Son.

Many people know that I have a horrible memory. I'm not sure if this has been a problem of mine for my entire life...I don't remember. But for as long as I live, I will remember April 5th, 1993. That being said, today I felt selfish, losing track of what is important. I forgot what happened April 5th. I went through my entire day as if it was just another day. I got up, went to school, came up. Danielle and I had the opportunity to go look at houses...and it seemed like another day. Then I received a text from my mom that said

"Thinking of my family a lot today. Want to let you know how much your dad loved you and want you to always remember that."

Tears instantly came. How could I? 20 years ago, a loving mother lost her husband. I thought about what it would be like to lose my wife, and I think tonight was the first time I have had a different perspective on my dad passing away. But then I got to thinking, and I realized that my perspective has changed a lot since 20 years ago, when an event that changed the course of my life happened.

I started 20 years ago like I started today, as if nothing wrong could happen. Went to school and then came home to play with my brother and a friend outside. My dad was home, and I'm sure we talked...but I don't know what about. Damn you memory! All I remember is what happened later. Having to call 911. Having to call my mom at work. For the lack of sharing all of the details...God felt it was time to call my dad home. Maybe it was time for him to be done on earth with the joking, pranking, and loving. Maybe it was time for heaven to have one more comic. I'm not sure why, but it was time. My day started like any other day on April 5, 1993....but ended like no other day.

So how is my perspective different this year? Now that I think about it...maybe it isn't. Maybe it is the same as last year, but I don't remember. But this year I see my father's death differently. I pray more for my mom. The yearning to be a father is gut wrenching. I feel my self crying to God with pleas to give me the opportunity to love on children like my father loved on me.
I reflect back on the fact that less than a year ago we thought that we were going to adopt a beautiful young boy. We knew his name. We held him. We fed him. We lost him. I have a sense of confusion and curiosity on God's plan for that young baby boy, less than a year old, who may NEVER know his father, or may never have somebody to call his father. I pray that he will have a father figure in his life who will love him and protect him. This year, my heart cries out for ALL of the young children who are fatherless, and don't have a loving mother in their lives who will sacrifice everything to make sure they have everything. Danielle and I start foster training on Tuesday, and I am speechless at the fact that there are men out there who have children and can't or don't own up to their responsibility to raise these children in a loving manner, teaching them to be loving and caring individuals who are accepting of people.
 I truly believe I am a patient person...but my patience is running thin in anticipation to be a father. I want to be a father. I want to make a different for children. I want to be able to console a child who is scared. I want to be there to congratulate and hug my daughter when she passes her first test. I want to go to the back yard and throw the ball around with my sons, talking to him about life. I want to teach my son how to treat a lady and I want to date my daughter so she knows what she should expect from a man.
But despite all of my angst and anger, despite my pleading with God to bless Danielle and I with children, I can also praise Him for the blessing of my mother. See, when I think of my dad's death, I usually think of how it hurt me. Of how I miss him. I think of when I would cry myself to sleep night after night...cursing God for taking him away from me. Now...I think of my mom. I don't even know how to start explaining the amount of respect and love I have for her. She has been the ultimate example of me of what it means to love unconditionally, and sacrifice selflessly. I think of the fact that despite how busy I was (as well as my brother and sister), she NEVER missed a concert. She came to my football games, even though she knew I had NO talent...because she was going to support me. She worked tirelessly to provide EVERYTHING for us. What really bothers me is that I didn't thank her for that...I felt entitled. I felt that is what I deserved, because I lost my father. She lost her husband. She lost her companion. She lost her partner in the war of parenting...yet she persevered and loved through it. She is my idol as much as my dad is.
So now what? My prayer is that I don't forget. I pray that I live my life in preparation for the opportunity to one day be called daddy. We don't know God's plan, but He knows our desires. I do remember that when I was a kid and somebody asked me what I want to be, I would simply respond "I want to be a dad." To me, that IS the most important job in the world. I hope that from this day on, my decisions help to grow me as a Christian man who is equipping himself to be a father. I want to be a man who is a role model for my children...starting with my faith. I hope that others can learn from my experiences as well. Most importantly, I hope that remember my dad and what I have learned from him and through the experiences of reflecting on his life will consistently drive my motivation.
For those of you who knew my dad....I encourage you to simply sit back and reflect on what he taught you. For those of you who never had the blessing to meet my dad...I am sorry. He was loving. He was a prankster. Yes, he was a sinner and had his faults. Most importantly, he was a child of God. Knowing this provides me with the greatest hope and peace, because I know that one day I will see my dad in the beauty and perfectness of heaven. That is a day that I am looking forward to!

My dad and I while in Houston, TX (where he had his heart transplant)

(I apologize for the quality...this is a picture of a picture)

Ogallala

Yesterday Danielle as I rolled into Ogallala. We had been planning a trip to Ogallala for a while now, but unfortunate circumstances ensured we came back this weekend. Although we have been back less than 24 hours, it has been an emotional time. We have had the complete and absolute joy to have spent quality time with our food friends the Josjor's. we had the privilege to join hundreds of others in celebration of Emma's life. I had the opportunity to comfort and be there for many of my old students. What I have realized in the past
24 hours is that I miss community. I am excited for all of this to happen in Omaha!

Meeting disappointment head on

As I prepare to go to bed, it hits me that tomorrow will be the first time the students of Ogallala High School will be together since the tragic loss of Emma. Although she graduated two years ago, many students know her through her brother. For those of you who have been involved in the fine arts, you know that there is a strong community feel, and Emma was part of my choral family back in Ogallala. Many members of the choirs sang next to Emma, many shared the stage with her in productions of "Once On This Island" and "Seussical."

Earlier today I had the opportunity to chat with the choir director at Ogallala, and I don't envy him at all. "What do I do? How should I approach the situation" were just a few of the questions he had for me. I don't feel like I had a good answer for him.  The best answer I could come up with is an answer that some educators may not agree with, but I told him "Ask the kids. They will be honest." I think as educators it is important for us to show this vulnerability. To admit that we don't have the answers. To show raw emotion. Regardless of how Mr. Work handles tomorrow...it will be hard!

As I begin my spring break tomorrow, my heart will be heavy thinking about my "family" in Ogallala. My prayer is that God will shower them with understanding and wisdom. Although it is hard to think of, we must celebrate what Emma has taught us....as that is what she would want. Reading about Emma the past few days, a recurring topic comes up...and that is her smile. My prayer is that we can reflect back on Emma with a smile. I also pray for Emma's family as they prepare for her funeral, and continue to reflect on the past few days. I ask that those of you who are of the praying type...join me! Lift up prayers of praise and prayers of understanding. Ultimately, Emma will want us to turn to God and praise him and glorify Him through this experience as well!

Continued Reflections

Not sure how to start this posts...so I'm just going to type. I apologize in advance if it jumps around, but I need to get my thoughts out. 

This morning as I was driving Danielle to Lincoln for a half marathon she was running, I received a facebook message from an Ogallala student who graduated two years ago. Wynston told me that he had lost my phone number, but needed to urgently get a hold of me. I replied back with my number and he called me IMMEDIATELY! The minute he called, I had a knot in my gut, and concern crept in. Long story short, he was calling to let me know that a classmate of his, Emma, was killed in a car wreck late last night. At the time he called me, very few people knew about the accident, but Wynston wanted me to hear it from somebody rather than through facebook. What a great kid to be that thoughtful in such a tough time. After getting off the phone, I told Danielle the news, only to have to send her off to run her "enjoyable" and "warm" 13.1 miles. This gave me plenty of times to reflect back on my time teaching Emma.

I can't even begin to explain Emma. Honestly....all I can see is her GIANT smile. I had Emma in choir for her 10-12 grade years, and she was always bubbly and chipper. During my time at Ogallala, I made it a point to constantly greet the students at the door to my classroom, and they were expected to give me a hi-five, handshake, or hug. There were days that I DIDN'T want to do this, either because the previous class did not go well or I simply didn't feel well. Even on the days I slacked in my greeting, Emma would NOT. She constantly greeted me with a smile, making sure to tell me good morning or good afternoon.

Not only did I have the pleasure of teaching Emma in choir, she was one student who I saw a lot of outside of the classroom. Both in church activities and involvement with our school musicals, I was blessed to be around such a beautiful, warm hearted young lady a lot. Emma was such a pleasure to work with in the musical because we could always count on her to be positive. Even amidst chaos and stress, I could look up from the pit and there Emma would be, simply standing there and smiling. 

When I asked Emma what she planned on doing after high school, I could only hope for one answer...elementary education. God had molded Emma to be a motivator and a person who provides hope to others. Although God called her home before she had the chance to teach children for a career, I truly believe that Emma has taught many already!

That being said, here are some things that I have learned from my time either with Emma or looking back with a full heart on the memories she has left:

1) Don't underestimate the power of one. Emma has the ability to change your attitude by simply walking in the room. It is amazing what a smile can do to a cold heart!

2) If you are a student reading this blog, or anybody who would be considered "young": you have the ability to affect others. Too many times I hear kids say that they are just kids. Even if Emma didn't intend to be a changing factor, the life she lived did and will.

3) This experience has reminded me how much I love my students, and how much I want to see them succeed. Although at times I may be perceived as a grumpy bald man...I want NOTHING MORE than for my students to find success and be safe!

4) I have the best job in the world. How many people can go to their job EVERY DAY to have their bucket filled to the brim. I get to see the future on a daily basis grow. I get to experience youth making mistakes and stupid decisions, only to experience victories and breakthroughs the next day...all while giving them the opportunity to see that in me.

5) Life is about relationships. Period!

6) Don't take people for granted. Let those in your life who you appreciate know it. Write a note, send a text, give a hug. It doesn't have to be big...but it has to be done.

Below is a video from Emma's senior year at Ogallala High School. Although the recording quality is not great, I know it will bring many great memories back for those who were there. This was a special group for myself, and I know that Emma helped to make this group that the best it could be. In memory:

The call...

This morning I received a phone call that I knew was inevitable in my teaching career. Today I was faced with the news of the death of one of my past students. Those who aren't teachers will never fully understand what this feels like. Those who aren't music teachers (possibly having the same student consecutive years) can't comprehend the experience either. Honestly, I don't know what else to say. I've typed the students name numerous times, only to delete it because it stirs up so many emotions! Once I have some time to reflect and compose myself I will share more. Pleas be praying for friends and family!

Singing Youth of Nebraska

So Danielle and I just got home from a short trip back West. Boy was it good to get back and see some friends and old students. Although we only lived in Ogallala for 4 years, we quickly grew to love the town and many of the people there. Leaving Ogallala was not easy, and it was great to go back and see the great friends we have their. Danielle had the opportunity to go run with a friend on Saturday, while I had the privilege of conducting the Singing Youth of Nebraska festival choir in North Platte.

SYN Festival Choir in North Platte; January 26, 2013

Every other year, the Nebraska Choral Directors Association (NCDA) hosts several Singing Youth of Nebraska (SYN) Festival sites around the state. On the opposite years they have a SYN Honor choir in Holdrege. The SYN choirs are for students in grades 7-9. NCDA also hosts Sing Around Nebraska (SAN) in the same manner as SYN, but for 4-6 graders. As many of you know, NCDA has become a very important organization for me, as it has helped me to quickly network with MANY wonderful choral directors in the state. I would go as far to say that getting involved in NCDA has made one of the biggest impacts on my career. I could never thank Phil Hesterman enough for asking me to the the Repertoire and Standards chair for Senior High Choirs, which has opened me up to many opportunities. Last year I had the privilege of conducting a SAN festival choir out west, and then this year the SYN festival choir in North Platte. Having the opportunity to direct at SYN really enlightened me on a few thoughts, which I decided to share below. You may or may not agree with them...but I passionately feel these are true.

1) Music Educators have a dedication to their field and their students that very few people will EVER comprehend. Few professions have individuals involved who give up evenings and weekends for their "clients"...which teachers lovingly refer to as their "kids." Many of us have invested many years in these children, and care for nothing but to see them succeed!

2) Kids CRAVE a place to belong. How awesome is it that 110 middle school kids can come together on a Saturday to make music together. Let me emphasis that again..110 MIDDLE SCHOOL kids. So many adults complain about "kids these days"....and I don't see it. The choir class is an amazing place that helps kids to feel invited, and comfortable with being themselves.

3) Children want to be held responsible. It was so reassuring to see this happen on Saturday. Numerous times we would be singing along, and there would be a mistake happen. Sometimes not a big mistake, but nonetheless...a mistake. I would promptly stop the kids, too which some would roll their eyes or whine because I wouldn't let them "karaoke" on. Then I would simply say..."Will you allow me to be pick?". They would quickly respond back with a yes. I would then explain the problem, and ask them to fix it. After they fixed it, I would then respond as so. "Thank you guys so much for making that mistake go away. The only reason I knew that I could stop you and fix that is because I know you are capable of it. Fixing those mistakes is what takes us from good to great." The look in their eyes, knowing that they could be great, was all I need to keep going.

4) Music connects. What other event or activity can you bring 110 kids together and in 6 hours of rehearsal give a final product. These were kids from different backgrounds. Some are poor. Some have 2 parents. Some aren't sure if they have a place to sleep tonight. And for those 6 hours...they were equal. That is what music does...it takes all of the uncertainty, and if even for just 6 hours...it gives these kids something to invest in and take pride in.

What saddens me the most about having the opportunities to come to these events, is knowing that some students aren't given these opportunities. The opportunity to belong. The opportunity to express. Whether you are a parent, teacher, child, brother, aunt...you can help provide this opportunity for somebody. I encourage you to continue to search for ways to be inclusive...because that is what it is about!

Blog Hiatus

It has been roughly 5 months since I have last blogged. I believe August 20th was the last day that I blogged. That roughly coincides with my first day at Burke...I'm sure there is no connection. In the past semester, there has been a lot going on. I am just going to use this first blog back to do a semester in review, and then HOPEFULLY blog more often. Honestly, the main reason I am back on the ol' blog is because I had the opportunity to see some old students this weekend, and one of them shared with me that I haven't blogged lately, and that I needed to get into a better habit. Thanks a bunch Micah...way to make me feel guilty. I also know that I will probably forget some key "happenings" from the past 5 months, so please forgive me if I don't include an event that you feel is important! Also, the organized part of me feels like this should be written in order of months...so here ya go.

August: August was a BUSY month. I didn't realize that starting a new job would entail so many meetings! I believe we had close to two full weeks of new teacher meetings, and then building specific meetings to follow. Man was I nervous for the first day with kids, but everything went smooth and I survived.

September: I really can't think of anything important that happened in September. I spent September continuing to become comfortable in my new position. At this point in the year, I was concerned with how easy/quick the transition would be for my students at Burke. I'm a very relational type of guy, and teaching kids I didn't have relationships with was hard. My show choir came around real quick as I believe a few team building exercises broke down their walls and opened them up. We also had the opportunity to perform at our Open House, and this helped get the show choir into gear quick.

October: In October I had my first Burke concert. To be completely honest, it went okay. The groups sang decent...not to where I would like for them to be, but that is life. On a positive note, I feel like the transition to how I "do" concerts went well. At Burke, we always seem to share concerts with some group, and on the first concert we had the Orchestra play, as well as some small groups/solos to help with transition. The audience was not huge, but the turn out was good. I had heard horror of mixed choir kids not coming, but only had a few no shows for the concert. This concept was new to me...and I hope that as I continue my time at Burke, this situation will become less frequent.

November: I had my first opportunity to take kids to All-State for choir. This year Burke had 3 students representing Burke. The whole all-state preparation/experience at Burke was interesting for the first time. At Ogallala, we hosted auditions..and I was very comfortable with the whole procedure. I had a fair amount of kids audition when I was at Ogallala, and I always felt like I knew where they were at preparation wise. At Burke, I didn't feel this way. I actually had a few kids not show up for auditions...NOT COOL! One struggle I have had so far with my students is follow through. On numerous accounts, kids have said they were going to do something only to back out and often times not even tell me. As my students in Ogallala know, this is something that I don't tolerate! Along with all-state, we had our auditions for the spring musical, "Thoroughly Modern Millie."

December: This month was BUSY! Our show choir goes out and performs in the public for different "holiday" gatherings. I believe we had 8 extra performances during the 2 weeks before winter break. Although this made for some long days, I loved it. It reminded me of the wonderful Singing Valentines Day trips I had with my Ogallala Students. I am inspired by how much those kids love to perform, and it was so much fun watching them. We had the opportunity to perform in a plethora of venues, ranging from the Joslyn Art Museam to the VFW.

January: It truly feels like January has been going on FOREVER. The FIRST day back from break, we began musical rehearsals. The show choir also performed the first day back, which meant I had the opportunity to be with students from 6:45 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Honestly, it hasn't felt like it has slowed down much since. We hit musical rehearsals hard, practicing from 3-6 Monday through Friday. On Saturdays I come back to school for 3 hours as the tech crew works on set design. Although it is a lot of time, I LOVE IT! The musical is February 28, March 1, and March 2...and I can't wait for this experience! This Saturday (January 26th) I had the opportunity to direct the Singing Youth of Nebraska Festival Choir in North Platte. This group consisted of 110 kids from 10 different schools in the North Platte area. What a blast! I was hesitant to follow through with the commitment, because for the 3 1/2 days leading up to the event I had NO VOICE! I survived through the day, and the concert was quite enjoyable. My only complaint is that the kids put in so much work, and then there is a 15 minute concert and it is all over. The kids performed well and I made sure to let them know that they were the best behaved festival choir that I have ever directed (and yes I have directed other festival choirs). Then after the concert Danielle and I went back to Ogallala to see some friends and stay the night. We caught up with friends, then went to McDonald's to have dessert with some of our old students. It was great catching up and hearing about all of their successes they have been having!

After writing that all down, I feel like I only talked about work...which feels like that is true. Adjusting to the new job has been an adventure to say the least, but it has been enjoyable. I will add another post reflecting on the first semester as a resident of Omaha...and what has been the biggest surprises and hardest things to deal with. Sorry for the verbal vomit of information, but I feel like I need to just get in the routine of putting my thoughts on page. Hopefully this is not a return blog that also becomes a blog that sits alone for another 5 months! Have a great rest of the weekend and a WONDERFUL week!