To many people, today is just another day. To some, today is a day to celebrate birthdays. For others it may be a wedding anniversary. For 3 children and one mother....it is a day to look back and remember a great man. A father. A husband. A brother. A Son.
Many people know that I have a horrible memory. I'm not sure if this has been a problem of mine for my entire life...I don't remember. But for as long as I live, I will remember April 5th, 1993. That being said, today I felt selfish, losing track of what is important. I forgot what happened April 5th. I went through my entire day as if it was just another day. I got up, went to school, came up. Danielle and I had the opportunity to go look at houses...and it seemed like another day. Then I received a text from my mom that said
"Thinking of my family a lot today. Want to let you know how much your dad loved you and want you to always remember that."Tears instantly came. How could I? 20 years ago, a loving mother lost her husband. I thought about what it would be like to lose my wife, and I think tonight was the first time I have had a different perspective on my dad passing away. But then I got to thinking, and I realized that my perspective has changed a lot since 20 years ago, when an event that changed the course of my life happened.
I started 20 years ago like I started today, as if nothing wrong could happen. Went to school and then came home to play with my brother and a friend outside. My dad was home, and I'm sure we talked...but I don't know what about. Damn you memory! All I remember is what happened later. Having to call 911. Having to call my mom at work. For the lack of sharing all of the details...God felt it was time to call my dad home. Maybe it was time for him to be done on earth with the joking, pranking, and loving. Maybe it was time for heaven to have one more comic. I'm not sure why, but it was time. My day started like any other day on April 5, 1993....but ended like no other day.
So how is my perspective different this year? Now that I think about it...maybe it isn't. Maybe it is the same as last year, but I don't remember. But this year I see my father's death differently. I pray more for my mom. The yearning to be a father is gut wrenching. I feel my self crying to God with pleas to give me the opportunity to love on children like my father loved on me.
I reflect back on the fact that less than a year ago we thought that we were going to adopt a beautiful young boy. We knew his name. We held him. We fed him. We lost him. I have a sense of confusion and curiosity on God's plan for that young baby boy, less than a year old, who may NEVER know his father, or may never have somebody to call his father. I pray that he will have a father figure in his life who will love him and protect him. This year, my heart cries out for ALL of the young children who are fatherless, and don't have a loving mother in their lives who will sacrifice everything to make sure they have everything. Danielle and I start foster training on Tuesday, and I am speechless at the fact that there are men out there who have children and can't or don't own up to their responsibility to raise these children in a loving manner, teaching them to be loving and caring individuals who are accepting of people.
I truly believe I am a patient person...but my patience is running thin in anticipation to be a father. I want to be a father. I want to make a different for children. I want to be able to console a child who is scared. I want to be there to congratulate and hug my daughter when she passes her first test. I want to go to the back yard and throw the ball around with my sons, talking to him about life. I want to teach my son how to treat a lady and I want to date my daughter so she knows what she should expect from a man.
But despite all of my angst and anger, despite my pleading with God to bless Danielle and I with children, I can also praise Him for the blessing of my mother. See, when I think of my dad's death, I usually think of how it hurt me. Of how I miss him. I think of when I would cry myself to sleep night after night...cursing God for taking him away from me. Now...I think of my mom. I don't even know how to start explaining the amount of respect and love I have for her. She has been the ultimate example of me of what it means to love unconditionally, and sacrifice selflessly. I think of the fact that despite how busy I was (as well as my brother and sister), she NEVER missed a concert. She came to my football games, even though she knew I had NO talent...because she was going to support me. She worked tirelessly to provide EVERYTHING for us. What really bothers me is that I didn't thank her for that...I felt entitled. I felt that is what I deserved, because I lost my father. She lost her husband. She lost her companion. She lost her partner in the war of parenting...yet she persevered and loved through it. She is my idol as much as my dad is.
So now what? My prayer is that I don't forget. I pray that I live my life in preparation for the opportunity to one day be called daddy. We don't know God's plan, but He knows our desires. I do remember that when I was a kid and somebody asked me what I want to be, I would simply respond "I want to be a dad." To me, that IS the most important job in the world. I hope that from this day on, my decisions help to grow me as a Christian man who is equipping himself to be a father. I want to be a man who is a role model for my children...starting with my faith. I hope that others can learn from my experiences as well. Most importantly, I hope that remember my dad and what I have learned from him and through the experiences of reflecting on his life will consistently drive my motivation.
For those of you who knew my dad....I encourage you to simply sit back and reflect on what he taught you. For those of you who never had the blessing to meet my dad...I am sorry. He was loving. He was a prankster. Yes, he was a sinner and had his faults. Most importantly, he was a child of God. Knowing this provides me with the greatest hope and peace, because I know that one day I will see my dad in the beauty and perfectness of heaven. That is a day that I am looking forward to!
My dad and I while in Houston, TX (where he had his heart transplant)
(I apologize for the quality...this is a picture of a picture)
